An alien race was guarding this sector Regarding all planets with life as a nectar Rare in the Universe, as rare as could get So they came charged with detecting a threat
The mother ship melted her way through the clouds All aboard anxious to see through the shrouds And there in the open as plain as could be A giant stood snarling as tall as a tree
The alien crew knew all was sublime The wonder of life was evolving just fine With reptiles in charge there was reason to hope All of the planets life systems would cope
They popped the champagne and they floated around Ice cap to ice cap such life did abound Up came the sun and around went the moon All were lamenting of leaving too soon
But protocol dictated what should be done The captain gave orders to sling shot the sun Soon far behind them was 813b Sagan's Pale Blue Dot was all they could see
Part II
Never again did they give it a thought Until HQ called them, their voices distraught 'You told us that all was ok in that sector Now we find 813b has a vector'
'Turn in your data- return to main base Your mission's a failure, your crew a disgrace Or choose to go back and find out what went wrong Find what's destroying that planetoid's song'
'Aye' came the answer, 'Lee Helmsman, all full! Pitch left at the Pleiades, we’ll use them for pull We have to find out what the vector’s about Watch out for that asteroid, come about, come about!’
The captain turned on the big overhead screen Light cones allowing the past to be seen Zoom it in with a will, if you will Quartermaster- Let’s have a good look at this planet’s disaster’
And there on the screen came the scene sans the screams Dinosaurs perishing ‘neath meteor streams Nemesis Comet came streaking from heaven Countdown to extinction came ten, nine eight seven…
The captain called back to now distant Main Base ‘Sir, there’s dead dinos all over the place A one-in-a-trillion big comet came down Allowing the mammals from holes in the ground
The rodents took over and soon changed their form Learned to make fire, began terraform Then came the cities and wars after that They found without wars all their markets went flat’
Base answered ‘Yes captain, that would explain Mountains torn down and the acid in rain Return now to Headquarters, your job is through There’s just one more thing that we want you to do…’
And off cross the cosmos the captain did streak By sidestepping wormholes it took just a week They left behind medicine for 813b Another huge comet shot into the sea
Joseph John Racano 3/24/16
The Stranger
He tapped on my shoulder this strangely dressed man And whispered to me "You don't know who I am"
"But please Mr. Lincoln you've got to leave now" I know you're in trouble please don't ask me how"
And just as I told him to leave me alone He showed me what I later learned was a phone
It glowed like a candle and chimed like a bell That's when a shot cracked and we ran like hell
Someone arrested a famous man's brother He missed with that shot and would not get another
Soon with the stranger in Presidents quarters I learned of a Universe that didn't have borders
He bade me come with him to some future time "Abe, I've seen your world now you should see mine"
The room started turning The walls fell away Stars were seen burning And then it was day
"Where on Earth are we?" He said, "You mean 'when' " Don't worry sir I can return you again"
"Right now it's important for you to see this-" I looked down below us into an abyss
I saw Polar Bears drowning The sky filled with soot I told him to stop and I stomped with my foot
The forests as far as the eye sees were gone I said, “never mind” and we kept hurtling on
Things he called ‘cities’ were sores on the landscape Billions of kiddies with no means of escape
“Where are the buffalo where are the birds? Where are the caribou Where are the herds?”
That’s when he showed me the smoke-puffing stacks Kind of a steamboat a train without tracks
“Oil refineries that’s what they are” That’s when I recognized my childhood star
I understood well This would all come to be And that’s why this stranger had notified me
He whisked me away just as fast as we’d come He flashed me a smile as he left me there dumb
The very next day a great army was born I at the forefront blowing a horn
We scoured the hillsides destroying inventions Even the ones made with honest intentions
When we were done we got off the last train Made it a crime to create one again
And somewhere out there in the times-to-come void The stranger –my friend knows what we destroyed
Joseph John Racano 11/4/15
Heart of the Hadron episode one
'Twas the Heart of the Hadron 2017 The janitor was cleaning beneath the machine He couldn't help notice every time he looked up The odd cobalt colors of this massive pup
The hour was late, no one else was around That's when he heard that queer far-away sound It sounded like buzzing inside of his neck He dealt with a chill and then thought what the heck
Gargantuan though this Collider might be The subterranean hole could fit three The janitor felt sure that no one would care If he placed a nylon rope hammok down there
And many a night when the mopping was through The janitor dreamed of the things he would do By climbing atop the great cobalt machine He visited places not previously seen
Anyway, this one particular night The monolith hummed and glowed curious light The janitor finally climbed up to the top And sat where the reddish light came to a stop
He thought he could feel imperceptible movement His balance was poor so he clung for improvement And that's when the 'lectric red humming began A bright light from somewhere beam gave him a scan
He sat on the top, let go of his mop and looked at the floor to see where it would drop Bells started ringing, phone channels singing and things like big springs did their thing, started springing
He clutched the machine for all he was worth Somehow innately knew this was rebirth He stretched out his arms and he clung to its girth A bright shiny surface reflected his mirth
Doors all flung open and people poured in Scientists didn't know where to begin The janitors ride took them all by surprise Evidenced in all their wild wide eyes
Rotations accelerated by the minute A gaseous mist was his cloak- he was in it Cobalt then red then to blue and maroon In two seconds flat he went right past the Moon
Where on the dark side he could see all the bases And all the surprised looks on all the faces Cities and building and big quonset huts Built for what purpose known only to nuts
Then off to Mars where a lovely red planet Brought to his mind his first girlfriend named Janet Oh but if she could just see me right now Janitor no, she'd be like, "Holy cow!"
And off to one planetoid after another Saying goodbye to his Earth and his mother One last look back and then boldly go on Perhaps where the Comets and angels had gone
While back in the hole where it all used to be Authorities asked "Tell us, what did you see?" But the scientists were all so caught up in the numbers You could have got better info from cucumbers
That's when they noticed beyond all belief The mop, like a horse stood there ready to leave Glowing and bucking and ready to bolt But who had the courage to ride on this colt?
Back out in space, the janitor zoomed Out past where Horsehead the nebula plumed The vibrating Hadron had put him to sleep He now was the cosmos forever to keep
When last we saw our hero he was zooming through space Light speed travel took a toll on his face But interstellar travel has it’s secrets, too Cosmological cosmetics can take years off you
The journey got unbalanced when the janitor twisted At light speed he was growing old before he existed He had to make a move and had to do it right now So he grabbed the mop bucket and it shifted -pow!
Next thing that he knew the stars were slowing down Groggy as he felt he feared that he might drown Outer space is not the place to take things lightly So when he met an alien he spoke politely
“Hello, I’m from Earth and I’m a ways from home” The alien replied but in a musical tone The janitor was sure he recognized the song And he was pretty sure that copyrights don’t last this long
Besides the alien was talking in slow motion And juxtaposed with space the thing made quite a commotion The alien just pointed three hands down the road And the janitor took off again without his load
Far out up ahead he saw an onrushing mop Grabbed it as he passed it and it made him stop He threw it in the bucket and he said ‘ok’ Straddling the Hadron cross the Milky Way
Something made him look behind from where he’d come There he saw a scientist who rode steel drum Propelling it through space by playing musical raggae His dredlocks waved around and he was smoking a ‘J’
The two of them maneuvered nearly side by side Sizzling at the speed magnetic Hadrons collide “Come back mon’ said the scientist as he took a puff That shit is so expensive mon, you’ve got our stuff!’
The janitor looked over at a moon they had passed And signaled he would land and they could talk at last ‘Ya mon’ said the scientist steel drummed and dredded Then he turned around and saw where they were headed
The two became as one, their crafts weighed a ton and they realized they had landed on the Planet Fun! There were dancing children, singing birds and colorful flowers that sprouted words
There were dinosaur vines, and Lodge-pole Pines There was gold and silver without any mines They found themselves surrounded by a people quite well rounded who said the voices in their heads had kept them all well grounded
After much good merriment, they ended the experiment and scientist and janitor climbed back aboard and there they went Speeding through the vacuum of an interstellar highway Headed for adventure searching planet, moon and Skyway
Perhaps the two would someday take these teachings back to home… where the Scientist would present it all to the Hadron-streaking Gnome
Joseph John Racano
The Curious Story of the Chupacobra as told by Joseph John Racano
Here’s a tale you won’t believe in ‘bout me and my best friend from Cleveland We took I-Eighty, West to the 5 and headed down South in overdrive
Saw the lights and the tall dark fences just too late came to my senses Cut the line, paid the fine chucked an unopened bottle of wine
With that correction, passed inspection and sped on South through the intersection Drove through the night, not a light in sight- a perfect setting for a real bad fright
Could have been luck, could have got me on Oprah -but I swear I saw the Chupacobra Never thought life would end from something I ran over -but there’s a chance it was the Chupacobra
Chupacobra, Chupacobra Now try saying it over and over Chupacobra Chupacobra It sounds a lot like Casanova
Chupacobra, Chupacobra I hadn’t had a drink, and I was sober Some say Chupacobra is nothing but a fox Ravaged by a mangy cross of rabie-chicken pox
But it doesn’t matter why or what It’s nose was close and full of snot It’s eyes were mellow, a real weird fellow Its coat was gray with little spots of yellow
I saw flashing lights and I pulled over It isn’t wise to make the Federales scold ya And everything happened just the way I told ya They flew right by, chasing Chupacobra
Which ran a bit like a galloping horse But when questioned, I totally denied it of course My mouth was dry and taste like tin They were gonna put me in a loony bin!
Chupacobra bounced high, like a big jack rabbit Once got close so I could almost grab it The policia checked my pockets, but I was broke, dag nabbit Interrogator thought I had a bad drug habit
I said three times, I told him no no no Why don't you just let this poor tourista go? 'Once more', he said, 'just tell me- what the heck are you trying to sell me?
You were driving, and you saw what'? I said, ‘that’s everything, that’s all I’ve got’ He slapped me hard with an open hand Broke apart his wedding band
I saw the fury in his eyes But he was looking at the window quite surprised And just when I thought my life was over Through the busted glass jumped the Chupacobra!
No si’ habla candelabra This was not the Chupacabra Not some birdie from Palos Verdes This thing had scales and was clocked at thirty!
In the commotion I broke the cuffs like those old James Cagney toughs In two seconds flat I was outa the chair Through the door and in the cold night air
From inside I could still hear snarling And a Mexican lady screaming, ‘Darling! Darling’ Never slowed down till I found the car Which was parked outside cantina bar
The keys were in it, revved it up to spin it Hit the interstate highway in a new york minute Through the flames in my rear view mirror I saw Chupacobra getting nearer and nearer
Remembered a sandwich in the portable fridge (Ate pepperjack cheese as I crossed the bridge) Drove all the way home and pulled up dirty To my surprise, it was just 6:30
My friends, quite kind never asked a thing My gal was mad, but still wore my ring And me, I’m so dam glad it’s over The whole monkey business of the Chupacobra
No more looking over my shoulder ‘Am I being followed by a Chupacobra?” -Now every year around cinco de mayo My friend and I drive North to Ohio!
JR 7/22/15
Totem of the Orca
The sky gave a warning on that fateful day with a crimson red morning over Marathon Bay Where a large wooden ship was moored offshore A totem of an orca on her bow she wore
The hold stank of musk and the galley of mold But the members of the crew all dreamed of gold Four hundred cubits and two hundred men headed to sea, where the maps all end
It was said, there an island rose from the sea so young that it still hadn’t sprouted a tree Its gravel was diamonds, rubies and jade created by heat the volcano had made
A breeze started up as we loosened the lines Its cold sending shivers through all of our spines The sun soon gave way to the moon and the stars The sailors all dreamed of the girls in the bars
They slept on their backs with their nose to the air smelling for smoke that meant gold would be there To a bloody-red sky dizzy sailors awoke The crows-nest on lookout sought volcanic smoke
The waves were now pounding with such mighty fury The ocean became both their judge and their jury With swells crashing down like an open right hand the sailors -to a man- missed the dear sight of land
It was three days and later with the sea still a-churning, when “Ahoy!” screamed the lookout, “Look there- something’s burning!” From the many ill sailors, there rose up a shout “Aye,” said the captain, “Mr. Helmsman, come about!”
An island rose up, surrounded by mist “Zeus!” said the captain, “what sorcery is this?” When the bow ran aground, it calmed the sea down The captain sent scouts out and said, “Look around!”
The rocks they were hot, and the feet, they were bare There was geothermal smoke rising up everywhere But nary a diamond, and jewels, they saw none “All hands ashore- you will search ‘til we’re done!”
As the last man set a foot in the drink the whole bloody island started to sink! Smoke became bubble, the ship turned to rubble No diamonds, no island, no ship- only trouble!
“Why mighty Zeus, cause our widows to weep?” -the captain and crew shouted out from on deep “Spare us on our foolish quest out for gold! Spare us that we may return to grow old!”
Just at that moment, the wood from the hull broke free of the totem, a huge orca skull And many of them did grab hold of that beam (the many who couldn’t went down with a scream)
That's when real orcas began to appear And caused the survivors to cower in fear But to their amazement the great mighty orca delivered them all to the pearls of Majorca
Those washed ashore later gave thanks to their god -and also their saviors, the large orca pod!
Joseph John Racano 12/2/14
artwork: Chambers
Two-thousand Crows
In the thrust of the day, early on did I meet A vibrating sensation by way of my feet I followed my toes and it led out the door where a murder of crows made a thunderous roar
My dog raised his hackles and curled up his lip I kept my eyes open and searched for a tip The deafening sound came from just down the way What were two thousand crows keeping at bay?
My mind drifted back to a fortnight before when these very same crows had been noisy galore That morning I followed their wrath to its source The trickster coyote- with rabbit, of course!
But this time coyote was naught to be seen And rabbits were home safe in bed in a dream And yet here they were, loud as Lucifer’s choir Two thousand crows cawing higher and higher
I looked to my hound who was still as a fox (and wondering why I was out in my socks) And that’s when I saw it, the curious tree A Deer berry bush, and quite red, I could see
The berries were ripe and fermenting and such surrounded by crows who had feasted too much Drunk on the wine they were acting as fools but a Deer berry vine has a strict set of rules
You can’t eat too much if you can’t hold your liquor The crowd had grown rowdy and thicker and thicker Soon they were making their spectacle heard by all within earshot of man beast or bird
Two thousand crows, Oakland Raider fans all At least I assumed when they punctured the ball With many reclining their backs to the lawn There they would stay ‘till awakened by dawn
Drunkards and winos, a black bird, a lush One said, ‘Let’s go!’, and another- ‘No rush!’ Never in all of your days could you dream so many disgraceful birds making a scene
They covered the trees and they lined all the wires Soon they’d be out in the world starting fires I could imagine the crimes and the havoc I gave it some thought and I just couldn’t have it
I called to my dog, ‘Come on boy, let’s go home’ We’ll call them a taxi when we find the phone But thinking it through I said, ‘I don’t suppose a taxi has room for no two thousand crows’
So one at a time, and by twos and by threes my doggie and I put them back in the trees They’d wake up tomorrow forgetting it all Perhaps I’d remind them (caw! caw!) with a call
Joseph John Racano
Halloween Voyage (of a Warrior Poet)
On the Fly-by I looked back to see A sillhouetted figure of me Made so by the harvest moon that's followed me since may or June
In my hands, a wand leaking sparks Especially bright against a backdrop of darks Palms of literary napalm, looking for a place to throw it and, 'whoosh!'- right on target, I'm a Warrior Poet
'Hey man, what are you supposed to be?' Some freak from below, or a flying zombie?' (shaking head) No, well, if so I don't know it! You see, funny thing is, I'm a Warrior Poet!'
Thigh-high boots with polished brass spurs A leather tasseled jacket, and my hat concurs Slicing to red ribbons people wearing furs Calling me a weirdo, me calling them curs
And onward through a night made of crisp October People say 'shut up' but my words run them over I'm dressed up for a party, I don't want to blow it These are the voyages of a Warrior Poet
Joseph John Racano Founding Ambassador Warrior Poets Society
Escape of the Dragon Lady
A handsome figure in a silhouette descended to the ground clinging with black leather gloves to a nylon rope let down
He paused for a moment as he hit the floor ears attuned to sound But heard too late and cried out, ‘wait’ He awoke in an alley, bound
The alley was foggy, his head still groggy so he forced himself awake Set the alarm worn on his arm Little progress did he make
He lay there still in the evening’s chill like any agent would Flat on his back, going over the attack, thinking ‘someone's got me good’
Head near busted, his eyes adjusted to the darkness of the scene In the shadows, looking back at him was the Dragon-Lady, eyes of green
She made it bright, dispatched the night Struck a match on the bottom of her shoe The bottom of a shoe with the heel of a stiletto all of it so out of place in the ghetto
She used that light to then ignite a slender cigarette in a cigarette holder that reached her shoulder-
-a shoulder so fine it deserved a ‘soft shoulder’ sign The holder took delight in being clenched tight by the mystery lady (no matter how shady) made even more so by her vanishing torso
and the dark returned, as the cigarette burned The return of the dark returned the agent’s spark Freeing his hands was a walk in the park
But he chose to feign helplessness Pretended to be in distress for the Dragon Lady in the dress
she wore so exquisitely, with such electricity Hands on her hips, one foot on his chest she exhaled a smoke ring that bounced off her breast
“Who sent you?” she asked, but he was not forthcoming She dug in her heel and moved down to his plumbing He answered that nobody knew he had come She tickled the fuzz on his chin with her thumb “Oh come now, school boy, do you think I’m dumb?”
That was the moment his pager went off It said, “Do you read me, come in- it's your boss!” She threw back her head, started laughing – like this- It sounded like demons or snakes when they hiss
By now, she was backlit by lights in the alley Her tresses as fiery as Father O’malley That's when he bounced up and grabbed at her wrists But she freed herself with some kung fu-like twists
They suddenly found themselves inches apart His lips to her lips, her heart to his heart Breaths intermingled in the cool of the night She whispered, ‘Why? -why must we fight?’
‘Do you not find me attractive, my pet? and how many chances like this will we get?’
His radio crackled- ‘What month were you born in? That’s nothing but Dragon-lies, agent take warning!’ ‘Pull it together, were you born this morning?’ Just then commandos and swat teams came storming
‘Up!’ the man shouted, and down came a wire ‘Here hold on tightly, we’re going to get higher!’ With one hand she grabbed him, nails gouging like so The other, the wire- and off they did go!
‘You love me?’ she asked in a beckoning tone He answered, ‘Of course, or I’d leave here alone!’ She kissed him without poison lipstick, we’re told He kicked out the pilot, and took all control Last seen on radar quite far out to sea where there isn’t an island- or could there just be?
Joseph John Racano
The Whole Dam Pacific
On March the eleventh, two thousand eleven I finally launched my one slice of heaven a thirteen foot skiff with strong metal oarlocks and rowed it away from witches and warlocks
I stocked it with food before leaving Japan prepared to catch fish and so that was my plan It wasn’t enough that I brought my new phone I also brought stuff to avoid being alone
There was Charlie Chernobyl, my trusty Iguana and a milk carton filled with the best marijuana I bought from Yakuza, a Japanese mobster whose last parting gift was a still-alive lobster
And so off it was as we rowed out to sea a lizard, a lobster, my pot stash and me By noon we were too far to see any land I cranked up an IPOD to hear a cool band
and just when the solo began to get strong I noticed the birds headed off to Hong Kong Tuna and dolphins and whales said vamoose Something real bad was about to break loose
Snap! Went the lobster, and snip! went the lizard Queeziness took a good hold on my gizzard Soon a crescendo of sound came around Not from the sky but from someplace way down
That’s when a fish shouted ‘evacuation!’ I fumbled my radio onto a station The radio managed just one garbled word It was ‘Earthquake’, we already knew from the birds
Then in the background, someone called out, ‘Mommy!’ And I braced with both hands for a major tsunami That’s when a wave went right under my boat We were ok, and continued to float
One hundred and thirty three feet, that was huge It made storm surge Katrina seem pro Baton Rouge But splash! Went the lobster and sploosh! Went the lizard None could have saved them, not even a wizard
I never looked back toward the sea of Japan I’m nobody’s genius but am a bright man The wave had bounced off Fukushima-Daiichi like Fonz used to do to his poor cousin Ciacci
I just kept on rowing ahead of the glowing which helped me at night to see where I was going And just when I thought I was safely away Two giant creatures burst out of the spray
One was my lizard, turned into Godzilla and a thousand-foot lobster, now a one-man flotilla
May day, oh may day, I called on the phone Is anyone out there un-cesium boned?
My mom must be worried, I want to go home The whole dam Pacific’s a nuclear zone
The End Joseph John Racano 9/1/13
The Krill-kids and the Last Whale
'When the sun rose up on the very first day a whale there waited to wisk us away to a place in the sea where krill-kids roam far away from the land, near a mountain of foam
On the first Earth night 'neath a sliver of moon a whale dove deep to avoid a typhoon and the krill-kids followed him, close behind clinging to his flukes but he did not mind
As the first week ended and the month came on I swam to the surface but my whale was gone I was forced to tread water and my heart skipped a beat when I felt a sudden comfort rise beneath my feet
The comfort, of course, was the back of a whale and I was lifted from the water like a ships main sail I threw my head back, turned my palms to the sky, sang the first whale song- and thought 'How lucky am I?'
And on that very last day when a whale does breach I hope a distant descendant meets him on the beach with a hand-weaved basket made of fronds and kelp and every krill-kid in the world, there and ready to help!'
Joseph John Racano
Hello, (Hello!)
I ventured deep into a wood after dusk when no one should And there I came upon a cave whose dark abyss I dared to brave
Hello, (hello!) It seemed a long way down to go Hello, (hello!) To where it led I couldn’t know
Bats flew out as I climbed in They caused a brief, but mighty din I watched them fly into the night A crescent Moon back-lit their flight
Hello, (hello!) An echo came from far below Hello, (hello!) from darkness blacker than a crow
The cave exhaled a musky scent as I began a slow descent passed wall of stone lit now and then by subtle light of glowing gem
Swallowed by a gathering gloom I came upon a chamber room whose floor was littered, jewel-strewn with bursting chests of gold doubloon
Sapphires burned with brilliant flame Rubies danced and called my name! Diamonds shone in shades of blue on statuettes of every hue
Hello, (hello!) I felt my fascination grow Hello, (hello!) My heart was leaping to and fro
I tossed a coin to hear its tone It landed with a thud on bone and all at once I came to see things weren’t as they seemed to be
Hello, (hello!) A growl came from not far below Hello, (hello!) The time had come for me to go!
Caring not to share such fate just before it was too late I scrambled up the cobbled stair from deep inside a Dragon’s lair
Scaly monster in pursuit I stubbed my toe and lost a boot Now my eyes saw through the black the staircase was the Dragons back!
Hello, (hello!) I thought I saw two red eyes glow Hello, (hello!) Of all the morbid ways to go
I burst outside into the night I spat and cursed and wretched in fright I ran ‘till I had cleared the wood and left that evil place for good!
Hello, (hello!) An echo came from far below Hello, (hello!) It seemed a long way down to go
Hello, (hello!) From darkness blacker than a crow Hello, (hello!) Hello, (hello!)
Joseph John Racano 3/5/11
Eternity-Three
For but a split second in midtown Manhattan Space opened up like a sheet of black satin Revealing to none what was too fast to see But what was for others Eternity-Three
An old rudimentary breakthrough in science Marketed to interstellar rich clients And now any civilization could travel Seeking to mine or explore or unravel
This is the story of one such exploratory Thus undertaken to Alpha-Centauri When highly advanced biological entities Noticed a gravity wobble from Pleiades
Using Eternity-Three’s new technology ETBE’s thus intrigued with biology Opened a conduit on which to slide Crossed instantaneously theirs to our side
Seen as a flash from the borough of Brooklyn Followed the subway to see where it took them Everywhere pavement and no open range Ant-like in nature the humans were strange
For all the advance of Eternity-Threes There was no helping poor creatures like these The Grand-Project Rector gave wave of his arm In under a second the Object was gone
With a few presses of a button, the colored tab indicators went off line and so a great experiment was brought to an end. Some 40,000 years earlier, a dozen mammoth carcasses had been distributed around Europe, laced with a catalyst for gene acceleration and offered to the hominids as an easy meal. Some 25,000 years later, the Adjuvants reshaped their weapons into farming implements and began to till the soil. With extra food came larger families, and those larger families developed specialization. Diggers, rock crackers, water haulers, planters, fishers, fertilizers, crop guards, seed collectors and storage monitors. 7,000 years later came the walls of Jericho, and civilization was born. At this point, the Felinians were satisfied their experiment had worked, and Planet Earth was removed from their regular surveillance rotation. Many generations elapsed and such planetary-scale genetic accelerations drew to a close in the Milky Way Galaxy. With Felinians on their home planet becoming increasingly aware of the moral and ethical breaches in the conduct of their own scientific community, the citizens clamored for the sanitization of past outreach programs. The leadership had no choice but to respond by designing deep-space A.I. probes, whose capabilities were threefold. These giant interstellar discs each had the ability to visit and evaluate a project, and upon final determination, either disengage via application of a trans-atmospheric aerosol mitigant, or declare the project a failure. Earth’s systems, once vibrant and graceful, had succumbed to ecological failure. The Felinians knew the hominids were not to blame, but rather, the blame lay with the Felinians themselves. This determination necessitated the planetary-scale program of bio-mitigation now underway. The massive craft made its first appearance over the continent of Australia, pixilating in the night sky and purposefully obscured by the shimmering bands of Aurora Australis. Lowered from the center of its abdominal bullseye came a huge silver sphere, which in turn released a smaller sphere, each enveloped in a cosmic mist. At the center of the smaller sphere, several lights blinked into existence, each the power source for a different joint in the Technotiger. One in the hip, one in the knee and a third sat glowing where the eyes should have been. The object was released into free fall, and crash landed on the terra firma far below. Rising to a cromlech stance, the Technotiger stood no taller than an automobile, nor longer than a city bus, but featured the barrel chest of a metallurgic rhinoceros. Dazzling luminous displays shone from its complex moving parts, mechanisms not borne of this world. Designed by the highly technical Felinians on their home planet of Felinia, Technotiger was perfectly suited to its only purpose- wholesale vector extermination. Technotiger’s sensors picked up pheromones of non-humans in concentrations as little as one part per quintillion, and left non humans alone, automatically deactivated by their physiological chemistry. The last surviving Tasmanian Tigers went freely about their way, kangaroos watched curiously, and koalas stood passively by. But Technotiger devoured people and neutralized livestock, while excreting homo-reproduction inhibiters. Technotiger made even shorter work of the Americas. Air Force pilots sent in to counter this robotic intruder quickly found themselves at odds with their own machinery, as all jets were easily seduced by the A.I. of the Technotiger. Pilots were ejected from their cockpits, and malfunctioning parachutes sealed their fates. Shore bombardment failed when 16-inch ordnance exploded within battleship magazines, after first vibrating violently, to warn away nearby marine life. Within six days, Technotigers gathered on the Mongolian steppes, and deactivated. Others gathered in the burning jungles at the edge of the Amazon. Still others converged on Central Park in New York. When the last Technotiger was levitated upward and back into the belly of the interstellar disc, the craft was obscured by Auroa Borealis, and pixilated out of view, never to be seen again.
I awoke this morning it was time to change My room had already done a rearrange The wall was a window and the window was a wall I opened up the closet but it led to the hall
I slipped both feet into unfamiliar slippers Every single window showed me different big dippers Looked into the mirror and it wasn’t my face It wasn’t even someone from the human race
I knew I wasn’t dreaming when the tea pot whistled Got lathered up and shaving as my whiskers bristled Picked up my inhaler and began to cough That was when I realized the time was off
The sound came first and the cough came after Long before I smiled came uproarious laughter I coughed then a sneeze and a sneeze to a sniffle Then in came the paper like a guided missile
Half an hour later at an intersection I saw the paper boy and I made the connection Time had changed but a bit off-kilter And everything I saw was through a time-lapse filter
Had to think fast so I copied all the numbers Bought a lotto ticket bet a thousand cucumbers Million dollar jackpot fair and square Stuffed it in my pants but the pocket wasn’t there
Spring ahead and fall behind The whole thing had me time zone blind Close encounter of the time change kind Surely I would lose my mind
Combed the rainbows from my hair Went back home and waited there Poured some coffee in my cup Time was finally catching up
Closed the windows shut the door Lay spread eagle on the floor Heard the voicemail then the ring Couldn't sense make anything
Who invented Daylight savings Surely just a madman’s ravings Made a vow I’ve kept since then Never touched my clock again
Joseph John Racano
The Candy Counter
Landed on a different planet Streets were paved in solid granite But what we’d never seen before The tallest building was the candy store
Walked inside with abundant caution Portals must had cost a fortune Partial darkness, had to grope Guided by a velvet rope
Looking down at yellow bricks Flashlights on, a simple fix There before us stood the leader Three-armed one eyed candy feeder
Offered us a bon-bon cane Causing some to act insane All came down with slack-jaw droop None immune within our group
Lights kicked on from floor to ceiling Disco lights had people reeling Then we took the stairway south Chocolate foaming at the mouth
Cupcakes, goobers, raisinettes Butterscotch as good as gets Sprinkled orange marmalade Licorice weaved into braide
Cracker Jacks and gooey stars ‘Nilla ice cream klondike bars In the background it announced ‘Please stand still or you’ll be trounced’
And good thing that we stopped right there A train rolled by that ran on air In its train cars it did carry Things a sweet-tooth man would marry
Cotton Candy conflagration Blew its horn and entered station Having seen enough confection We took a train in the other direction
Thanked the counter, thanked the leader Grabbed some milk duds from the feeder Cleaned the caramel from my comb Took the rocket ship back home
Told the story when we landed Didn’t come back empty handed Trick or treat for one and all Make the trip again next fall
Joseph John Racano
photo: John Robertson
Meteor Cactus Shower
Lured to the desert by a night-blooming flower I nearly met my end via Cactus Meteor Shower With only sand beneath my feet, and naught but stars above I couldn’t hide and so I tried to show the cactus love
The Perseids come from Perseus, who guillotined Medusa Then they shared their light show with Cochise on Appoloosa But never in a thousand years did I expect an hour When I would get caught in the rain of a Cactus Meteor Shower
Leonid was Leo’s kid, the valiant king of Sparta Who blocked the Persians path to Greece and so became a martyr If I but had his bravery I’d not have had to cower Hiding in the desert night ‘neath Cactus Meteor Shower
So bloom, yon night-time cereus cactus Flaming arrow inter-actus Thousand-year display of power Night-time Cactus Meteor Shower
Joseph John Racano
Late One Night on the L.I.E. a true story
‘Twas a crisp dark night on the *L.I.E. About 4 am heading east, you see My ‘68 caddy was-a haulin’ ass (In those days we never gave a thought to gas)
A late-night driver barely out of my teens And now it’s time to spill the proverbial beans Fresh out of the Navy home from San Francisco Saturday Night Fever I was king of the disco
Parents had a house out on East Long Island Back in the day when phones were still dialin' The stars shone bright and the air was clear 1976, yeah -that was the year
It was cold dark and lonely with the road wide open Getting to a warm clean bed I was hopin’ In the rear view mirror I glanced at the horizon Saw a lot of blinking lights, which was quite surprisin’
Pedal to the metal, I let the big block ride My 472 ate up the 495 Proud as a peacock I looked back in the mirror But the yellow blinking lights were now a whole lot nearer!
Police zoomed past and they told me to stop I pulled the hell over and I looked at the cop ‘Stay there’ said the megaphone and they took off I sat there for a moment at total loss
Glancing in the mirror I saw once again This time a hundred thousand lights my friend In arrow formation and peculiar way Flashing lights and silence were the order of the day
And buried deep within this fighter squadron formation A semi with a flat-bed carried secret information Followed by more cops doing over 120 I only got a glimpse but what I saw was plenty!
I waited ‘till the squadron opened up some distance Let the caddy roll at curiosity’s insistence At closest approach I saw I suppose Beneath the flapping tarp several engines exposed
It seemed to be a spaceship extraterrestrial in nature Headed out to Brookhaven to meet the legislature But fast as I was going -and it must have been 120 They left me in the dust no doubt up to something funny
They took it to the lab and tinkered with its gravity To use it as a weapon or some form of our depravity When the people in the sky were finished and amused They drove it back from whence it came so it wouldn’t be abused
Joseph John Racano
*Long Island Expressway
The Black Hole
Peering through the darkness toward the cosmic soul My telescope red-radioed a big black hole Bigger than a bread box but smaller than a god It made the Horse Head nebulae look all the much less odd
I contacted authorities by faxing them a scan To get the guys from Space-X to formulate a plan A plan to build a rocket ship that ran on neon light (In theory using neon fuel would serve to keep the rocket cool)
Through wind and weather, it came together We used what tools we had Within a year the end was near The ship sat on the pad
I got a call from Elon Musk He said the ship would launch at dusk Mechanics rolled up cardboard mats Ground crew all wore tin foil hats
The moon rose up, we counted down Liftoff at the stroke of sundown Streak of light into the night Systems go it all worked right
At four we hit the worm-hole door Our space suits leaking on the floor By five we’d left the human hive Then pitch and yaw but still alive
After that was just a blur Until we heard a Martian slur They don’t take kindly to our kind Left those antennae-heads behind
Turbulence and sickening drops Out the wormhole spaceship pops And there it was in all its’ glory Spinning hole please tell your story
“Well” he said, as he cleared his throat “Tell Mr. Musk I really like his boat. The neon drive is a novel idea Now try some of this in here and in here”
We instantly went into spin It was easier to see out than it was to see in We started going back in time Was that my mom singing nursery rhyme?
We ricocheted around the hole And saw into the cosmic soul All events through space and time Before my eyes and wholly mine
Dinosaurs were there among us As were three ships of Chris Columbus Holy crosses, midget tosses Dead-end jobs with lousy bosses
People trying to cross the border Fishes flopping out of water Lions on the Serengeti Light beams stretched out like spaghetti
“That’s it now, your time is up” said Big Black Hole to frightened pup And just like that, time jerked our rope And I was right back looking through my telescope
Joseph John Racano
Festus and the Martian Bible
Festus found a bible in a meteorite It crashed into the jungle on a clear dark night Encased inside asbestos it was saved from burning Slicing through the atmosphere as Earth was turning
With many similarities to one on Earth The angry red planet gave this bible birth And as the smoking meteor was cooling down A local found the book and he began to frown
‘If you eat the fruit that was forbidden thee You’ll terraform the planet and destroy the sea’ And true to form it soon became the norm to see Red planet took a beating on a heating spree
But just before the final chimpanzee had died Seconds after Mars no longer knew red pride Doctor so and so wrapped up the book in asbestos Shot it into space and it was found by Festus
It landed in the jungle and he read it through And everything he read started coming true The Earth took a beating on a heating spree Crazy talking white men started World War lll
As the bombs were falling sat a tedious scribe They say he was a member of a vanishing tribe He wrote another bible, this one based on Earth And shot it into space towards a planet's birth
Joseph John Racano
The Big One*
The big one finally happened at eleven - oh- one The fireworks show had just barely begun Lights were flashing, there was colorful smoke Then the shocks rolled by and it wasn't a joke
People sat in chairs along the parade route When the planet opened up and rendered everything moot Everybody sitting fell into the abyss 1/4 mile down with time for one last kiss
The center for seismology was broke in half The celebration flags burning at half mast The ground sunk down and the sea rushed in No one ever saw ol' Californee agin'
There was smoking and hissing and frightened people pissing I went to withdraw money but the banks were all missing The waves continued inland 'till they reached the Atlantic The nation underwater left the patriots frantic
People loved a country that no longer existed 'Keep treading water' a voice from somewhere insisted The only thing remaining was the floating detritus And lots of hungry sharks who were delighted to bite us
Last thing we saw was the Los Angeles skyline Tumbling toward the center of the Earth in a bee line The hole closed up behind it where none would ever find it And the Yellowstone eruption left the population blinded
Joseph John Racano
The Sea Serpent’s Wife
In long ago times in a faraway land A tall castle tower loomed o’er the sand Oftimes the tower was scaled by a boy Risking his life for brief moments of joy
For up in the tower was held Princess Lily Fiery tresses and laughter so silly Bright colored birds sang their songs on her finger Outside the window the boy stayed to linger
‘Why do you come here, you know I am promised Sadly betrothed to the tyrant, King Thomas Surely he’d kill you were you to be caught’ ‘Oh beautiful Lily, you would be my last thought’
She grew much to love him as visits went by Outside her window with birds in the sky But one day it happened before they eloped The tyrant King Thomas put boy to the rope
‘Father!’ cried Lily, I beg you to stop him For he is my heart and King Thomas is rotten’ And so was her father called in before court Where wisemen did rule for the marriage abort
And angry the tyrant called in a great wizard Turned the boy into a sea serpent lizard And every day after the rest of her life Fair Lily was known as the sea serpent's wife
Tedious work all done for the night The scientist closed up the lab good and tight This was the year that he wouldn’t forget For her anniversary he bought a 'vette
Wrapping around it a brightly pink bow He fastened the seat belt away did he go A single look backward and then he was gone Unaware one Bunsen burner was on
It burned through the minutes and then to the hours Filled the lab with a cascade of spark showers One rode the breeze and was fed by the draft All the way into the ventilator shaft
Then to the storage room one floor below Mixed with a radio-isotope glow Burned through a vial of organic matter Eaten by lab-lizards making them scatter
Gecko insurance declared it a loss Accidents happen and they paid the cost Everything burned and nothing survived All back to normal until that July
Third time this month that the neighbors heard hissing Down at the waterfront guards have gone missing Fishermen slipped on a slippery dock Enter detective new kid on the block
Coated with slime so he scooped up a handful Contacted scientist who took a sample Scientist called him that night in his bed ‘Better get down here’ was all that he said
Tired detective showed up with his java Scientist warned him be ready for drama All of my findings point right to a reptile Something too big to be killed by projectile
Kidding me right this is all a big joke Head back and laughing he lit up a smoke Sorry detective I wish that it was But this is all radio-isotope scuzz
Enter the monster he crawled from the drink Climbing a building and making it stink Spitting a slime on the traffic below Sending cars spinning and making them glow
Sat an old gypsy cross leg on the docks Juggling stones and then reading the rocks ‘Mr. detective I have what you need Put some of this in a place he can feed’
Mr. detective had nothing to lose He poured the solution in both of his shoes By elevator up ten stories high Delivered the payload right into his eye
Slumbering dragon it put him to sleep Tumbling down and rolled into the deep No one arrested for there was no crime They called Public works in to clean up the slime
The Wizard of Shondor Was wee but a child When he brought home a condor He found in the wild
Seven-foot wingspan Magnificent plumage It grew up so fast they Soon ran out of roomage
It followed him everywhere Even to schooling None were a mind but Except for the drooling
‘Round about leap year His feathers fell out Identity issues With he had a bout
Had none seen a condor Such horns on his crest This bird was now massive I thee do not jest
Upon graduation The boy took his leave Quite grown himself From his bird he must cleave
Came dark of the night He was half up the mountain Seeking the shaman Who lives in the fountain
Said a Shamanic voice mixed With bubbling waters- ‘Who brings a dragon-child Here to my quarters?’
‘Dragon?’ the young man was Took by surprise That’s when he saw the Red fiery eyes
‘Yes, and a dragon can Speak for himself! You have been followed There he sits on the shelf!’
‘Shaman wise master Of this I knew not Thought he a condor A bird that I got’
Using a cane with a crystalline end Shaman led both to a cave with a bend ‘Here you shall stay and get sleep for the night Morning comes fast, I will train you to fight’
Soon came the sunlight that blinded cave eyes Out into daylight and blue azure skies Now he could see a great dragon he be ‘Wizard of Shondor, that name shall be thee!’
Clanging of swords hitting clanging of metal Day upon day then cooked beans on the kettle Dreaming at night in the dark of the cave He with a dragon is nobody’s slave
Then it came time he would cast his first spell Shaman was proud and said, ’you have learned well’ ‘Lay down the shovel, away with the dust-broom- In order to leave you must speak with the mushroom!’
The Wizard of Shondor put on a wolf mask Howling and chanting and up to the task And then the next morning the Wizard was gone The shaman delighted the dragon stayed on
Once upon an eon out searching for a dream I came across a large device oblique within a stream High atop sat Dragosaur, the dragonlord of time Informing me that by default this strange device was mine
Shapes I did not recognize were carved into its face Something like a dial aliens sent from outer space Being thus illuminated poorly from the rear Rendered Dragosaur a silhouette provoking fear
Puffing out his scales in such a way that chilled my bones He spoke in dragonese with very deep and raspy tones ‘This-s-s-s time machine is yours to take wherever you would go- But don’t unravel time by travelling back against the flow’
As he spoke the words he lifted off on bat-like wings Disappearing through the night and off to other things Here at center stream the time machine awoke to stir With the bold tic tock of an angry clock the hands began to whirr
Then it started bouncing off the rock on which it sat Where was once a dial folded down and now lay flat Although he was gone his voice spoke over the intercom Dragosaur said loud and clear, ‘All passengers get on’
Without hesitation I got on and found a seat Door closed up behind me and we took off at lightspeed Passed the moon and left a contrail straight across Pluto I looked back and saw the line, a cosmic tic tac toe
Then the tray in front of me just let its own self down Dragosaur spoke as before although he wasn’t ‘round ‘Choose a destination from the many on the screen Universe awaits and there are things you’ve never seen’
I started pressing buttons flipping switches turning dials Anything with colored lights I acted like a child ‘Do not touch the red one’ announced Dragosaur too late Clocks reversed to seven that had formerly said eight
Then we started spinning and a-twirling round and round Everything went sideways down was up and up was down Headed straight for Neptune we were just about to crash When I saw the vanish slot and fed it five bucks cash
Dragosaur as did before came o’er the intercom ‘That was much too close this craft almost became a bomb Follow the instructions up above you on the dome Then make all adjustments to your seat, we’re going home’
epilogue The time machine set down to rest and splashed into the stream Doorway opened I jumped out and let off with a scream What a way to spend a day it brought me straight to tears Then I checked the time- I had been gone ten thousand years!
Everyone I know is gone, and everything I knew I pressed too many buttons or I perhaps a bit too few I jumped back in the time machine, to fix this awful crime Off to find the Dragosaur, the Dragonlord of Time
Now I searched for Dragosaur, somewhere out in space Not much visibility with asteroids in my face Oort cloud clicking off the wings I swung the craft, engaged the springs
Flying just by instruments I searched for red lights blinking Homing beacon I was seeking- He would have one, I was thinking Dimmed the lights as I passed Saturn Viewed the rings, I love their pattern
Caught a glimpse of the dragon’s claws Just outside the heliopause He turned around with open mouth I dropped the craft due relative south
Again there came that raspy voice I answered back, “I have no choice; Send me back ten thousand years’ He sneered the way a dragon sneers
‘If you need to travel back’ He launched a flame, ‘then follow that; That will lead you back to Earth Somewhere near Australia’s Perth
Head true north to find the ringdom Stonehenge in United Kindom Rings of time shoot into space I’m Dragosaur, I know this place’
As the dragonlord suggested Followed as the plasma quested North at Perth to Stonehenge rings Shot back through time as if on springs
And there I sat, back in my stream Thinking it was all a dream Until I stepped into fresh air And found my family waiting there
epilogue… Many days and nights came after I recalled the near disaster Excuse me now, I have to clean I’m polishing the Time Machine
Starring Justin Nicholas Thyme and co-starring Dragosaur, in:
Pursuit of Dragons
Traveling through time is considered a crime Worthy of more than a poetry rhyme And here we had trouble with the space-time bubble So we called upon an agent who could get here on the double
Justin was his name, consistency his game Without him our continuum would never be the same Investigating theft, he arrived before he left Rarely met resistance, crooks were wary of his heft
Briefed upon arrival on this matter of survival His notes though taken yesterday by now became archival Justin, thanks for coming, we all understand you’re busy But we’ve got problems, yes that really have us in a tizzy
Justin barely finished with materialization Something he’d done countless times in every state and nation Halfway here and half still there, fingers ran through graying hair ‘Can you help us?’ ‘Yes I can- gentlemen you’ve found your man.’
‘We seem to have a Dragosaur, a Dragonlord of Time Bouncing ‘round the Universe, and that sir, is a crime The butterfly effect has got us fearing for our lives By the time we’re home from work, we’ll all have different wives’
Justin looked down at his watch and set it back an hour ‘I’ll be back by four o’clock, if not, it all went sour’ With a flash and with a whoosh he lit up like a burning bush In two seconds reappeared, said ‘things are worse than you had feared’
Dragosaur had meanwhile set himself up for a pardon Won the hand of Eve back in a place they called the garden Adam was beside himself and knocked her photo off his shelf By then the couple left Atlanta, stole a sled and beat up Santa
After that long spree of crime the Dragosaur dove back in time Started training dinosaurs and sold them to both sides in wars Not unlike what Ford had done with cars and trucks and boats and guns But chaos in a single place could not compare with time and space
‘And that was where I placed a trap, and brought that dragon timelord back!’ ‘Hate to have to squash his pride, I left him in the car outside Dangerous he is, that one; doesn’t even need a gun What I did and where I went, he went first to circumvent!
Had to double back and through, finally brought him back to you’ ‘Splendid job you did old chap, no more of this Timelord crap Payment has been wired by phone, now you’re free to time-skip home Thanks to you we still have wives, saved our jobs and saved our lives’
Justin gave a flip of cap and leaving said, ‘I must get back’
epilogue
That’s the poem of time and space Justin Thyme has saved our race Dragosaur is back in jail Ball and chain tied to his tail
‘Twas a bitter cold day during the frigid heart of a New York winter. The year was 1981 and I was living with my bass player at the home of his family. At this time, Charlie Ugalde was a close friend, but we hadn’t yet actually become a band. That would come later, in Florida, when ‘Ice’ was formed. But for the time being, I was spending my days poring over ‘guitar player wanted’ ads in the local New York magazines and penny-saver papers of the kind you could trip over in every homes’ driveway.
One such ad caught my attention and sounded somewhat promising, so I asked Charlie to come along for the audition. We drove on heavily iced roads, with my ’68 Cadillac coup deVille sliding all over the place, making for very treacherous travel. We followed the directions which took us further and further out on Long Island, until the neighborhoods gave way to open fields of snow. The sun was bright but the cold unrelenting. I had brought along whatever guitar I had at the time, in 1981 that would have been a black 1979 Fender Stratocaster, I think. It was my first Strat, and I still play them to this day. After quite a drive, we arrived at an enormous property, with a large old house perched at the apex of a big hill. It looked for all the world like the place was haunted. Think ‘Adams Family’ or, 1313 Mockingbird Lane.
Charlie and I cast suspicious glances at each other as we divvied up the duties of hauling gear. Holding tight to a frozen black metal handrail, we made our way up a dangerously steep cement stairway, slipping and sliding all the way up. I was about to knock when the large heavy door creaked slowly open. I poked my head inside, basking momentarily in welcome warmth and there in a large entry way sat several people on a long bench. Each of these people looked stranger than the next, wearing heavy and frightening makeup. I assumed it was an intentional, and good-natured put on.
“I’m here for the audition?” I said. “Downstairs. Around the back” came their reply.
So Chuck and I carried the small peavey amplifier and guitar-in-case back down the steps, lives in our hands. We followed the footprints through deep snow all the way around back until we came to one of those large wooden tornado alley cellar doors. All was quiet within and we stomped to get someone’s attention. These doors again, also creaked open and an astonishingly tall Frankenstein looking gentlemen ushered us inside. I looked at Chuck and he at me, and both of us felt like freezing cold flies walking into a warm spiders’ web. We carried the gear down and placed it on the floor. Then we looked around.
The band was all set to go, very professional equipment and a cool stage setup. All the players could have doubled in a Lon Cheney-Bela Legosi movie from the 1930’s. It was an eerie encounter, to say the least! Then, a large man sitting behind a black drum set bedecked with webs and bones -and it wasn’t Halloween folks, that was months ago- well, he clicked two drum sticks together and -a 1 – 2 – 3 – 4.
The band was loud, the band was tight, and the band was scary as hell, kicking into a form of monster music I had never heard before! The closest thing I could compare it to would be the theme song on the Munsters television show. Charlie and I were scared shitless, I ain’t ashamed to admit. You would be too, and I was entertaining thoughts of the macabre, such as being beaten, or maybe even eaten!
I shot Charlie a knowing glance and started to back slowly up the steps. I went back out into the snow and a now driving February wind. With amp and guitar in hands, we two frightened musicians slipped and slid, and fell and got back up and ran to the car and fish-tailed out of the long, winding driveway and off into the distance. We never looked back.
“Thank you, our apologies, thank you for your patience.” (Insect-like alien with blue-gray skin or overalls suddenly appears on all screens worldwide). We know that you have been seeing a lot more alien stuff on your televisions movies and videos lately, and we are here to tell you that it is not a coincidence.” (whispering from off screen)
Let me get to the point. Your planet is rare, beautiful and perfect for life. It is a jewel in the dark expanse of the Universe. Your company management, however, well… let’s just say your brand is in trouble.”
“But we understand, having had growing pains ourselves a few eons back. That is why we have come to help guide your race through a difficult transitory stage commonly known to aliens as ‘Fossilend’. Fossilend isn’t easy, as oil is a tough one to kick. But as the sky grows dark, the seas grow warm, food grows scarce, and people begin arguing over smaller and smaller things, facing change becomes easier.
We know you want to change. The truth is, you’ve been mislead since the beginning of the industrial age. It is your leaders who don’t want change. They’re on the money train, in the finest dining car and it has a bar and restaurant with pretty waitresses. It's safe to say your President and his administration want to put the 'miss' in missiles.
Changing to solar power, which the rest of the galaxy uses, is not in their short-term best interests. Left up to them, you’ll all be wearing galoshes and highwaters and living in houses bobbing around on Styrofoam foundations.”
(audible gasps and shrieks)
“We want to help you, but you’ll have to help us do it. Your leader, one Donald Lechtenfeller Trump (that’s right, did you know his middle name is Lechternfeller?), he is going back to the old Reagan era model of the Star Wars program. But not for the reason you think! There is no boogie man. The world is flat broke and everybody’s busy looking for the proverbial potato, living on TV dinners and such.
But we aliens- now we are another story entirely! Your leaders and their partners (Exxon-Mobil, Chevron-Texaco et al), they don’t want us in direct contact with you. They shoot at us whenever we enter the Troposphere. And this new guy, a total idiot who got money from his father for graduation when he never even graduated- well, he’s building this monstrous weapon system that shoots missiles, and they’re aiming at our alien Red Across (we help worlds across the galaxy) ships.
And he even has his brand-name on every missile he fires! So *crackle* p0p! Burst bzzzzzz ahi#@ garble *p0p* we are losing contact now. Our time is up &7y65! P0p! and we have to go. Please help us help 07wh@p0p! *garble* you.”
Signed, Roookesnever Shilderplast, Commeridian, Intergalaxy Red Across. Goddess speed. Mantis be with you- always. (whining sound like outer limits) *we relinquish control of your television back to you…..*
The Amazing True Story of Snappy the Gopher as told by joey racano Part One Snappy the Gopher It was another wet afternoon in a long line of rainy days, but this one had redeeming qualities. For one, the sky was a huge watercolor mural, the creator having flung grey and white paint balloons against an azure canvass. For another, the winter wind carried a warming sun. Acorns crunched `neath our feet as I, a friend and my two dogs came to a stop at curbside, waiting for a safe moment to cross. "Good girl, Tree" I said to my lady dog, as she stopped without stepping into the street, a product of long years of training. As always, I waited a good long while until there was no traffic at all. Starting to cross, I shot a glance to port, where my boy dog was sniffing something on the sidewalk. "Whatcha' got there, buddy?" I asked. He responded with a handsome canine smile, tenderly mouthing something wet and furry. He was intent, never taking his eyes off what turned out to be a wet, cold and seemingly lifeless gopher. That is how we met `Snappy'! "Put it down" I barked. "Leave it alone!" He dropped it obediently, handing it over with a gentle nudge of his nose. I stooped to pick it up, and it was cold to the touch- soaking wet, and I was pretty sure, dead. I looked around trying to figure out how it was that this gopher came to be lying out in the middle of a concrete jungle, on a busy street corner, with nary a dirt-pile in sight. I looked straight up. The answer was in the canopy of a tall stand of Eucalyptus trees a hundred feet above. Somewhere up in those heights a hungry hawk was probably muttering profanities under avian breath. Then, the funniest thing happened- he twitched! This cold, wet corpse of gopher showed a tell-tale sign of life! "He's alive!" I announced, eliciting two wagging tails. "Good boy, Champion!"
Part Two A Sleeping Bag for Snappy The darkening sky threatened more rain as we headed back to the RV, Snappy now tucked safely under the frays of my faded denim jacket. I was desperately trying to apply warmth, hoping it would awaken the seed of vitality deep within this furry bundle. By the time we got home, the rain was a steady, thickening drizzle. At this point, I couldn't tell if Snappy was starting to respond to the warmth of my palm or if it was merely the trick of a wishful mind. Looking more like a soggy pom-pom from the tip of a knit cap than a gopher, he lay still on the couch. I sacrificed a warm white sweat sock, using a scissor to custom trim it into a gopher-sized sleeping bag! I kicked into `mamma-gopher' mode and dried every inch of this creature who responded with a long, slow leg-stretch. An occasional shiver told me we were getting somewhere. We left him sleeping on the couch covered in a white custom blankee. As we went out for tea, the only thing lacking was an intercom and Sesame Street!
Part Three Snappy Wakes Up Upon our return, Champion was first to the creature, giving him a good long sniff. "Watch out" I said, peeling back the white sock hopefully. All was as before –except for the eyes. Those cute little brown b-b's were now wide open. This was not the same gopher we had left; stupefied by shock, a 100-Foot fall and hypothermia- this gopher was alive and alert! I poked his cute little butt and he scurried up a few inches. I didn't know it yet, but the rules of this game were about to change drastically!
Part Four Snappy Gets a Name There wasn't anything left to do but let the rehabilitated critter go back to the Earth, so I took the sweat sock off the gopher and pulled it onto my hand like a glove. This was partly to calm him and partly to protect me, from –you know- the gopher. I thought to myself `how silly', because here I was about 300 times his size. So I swept him up in my little white mitten and walked him out into the grass of a field next door. But –surprise- Snappy started, well, snapping! And I don't mean little ginger-snaps, either. This 4-Inch long little rejuvenated fur-ball was snapping like one of those 50-Pound turtles you pull from the swamps of Okeefenoke. If I had to describe it on an actual ferocity meter, it would fall somewhere between a Sabre-Tooth Tiger and Tyrannosaurus Rex! I shouted, "This little #@!*! means business! Hurry! Open the car door and get me that bag! Please!" My friend jumped out of the RV to take a look and stared in wide-eyed amazement. You could actually hear the snapping! Snappy indeed. With no ease at all we got that subterranean pit bull into the bag and laughed hysterically!
Snappy, epilogue It was now obvious that the rescue was turning out to be a `snapping' success and, love him though we might, we were ready for his departure. I opened the bag, turned it upside down and out poured the `Snaposaurus'(gopherus tyrannus smithereenus). Snappy couldn't believe we were just going to let him go. He sat a long time. He definitely knew we had saved him. Even during his feeding frenzy he never bit at the sock, which had been the `warm thing'. I looked away a moment and where Snappy had stood was now but a fresh pile of dirt- just your average, everyday gopher den. But we knew better. This was the new home of our friend. "Good boy, Champion!" I shouted, "Good job!"